3rd Shift- Trump Gets the Nod or How I Quit Worrying About the 2016 Election

By Chad Nance

“This country has gotten where it is in spite of politics, not by the aid of it. That we have carried as much political bunk as we have and still survived shows we are a super nation.”
– Will Rogers

“Democracy is the theory that the common people know what they want, and deserve to get it good and hard.”
– HL Mencken

“Some things in life are bad
They can really make you mad
Other things just make you swear and curse
When you’re chewing on life’s gristle
Don’t grumble, give a whistle
And this’ll help things turn out for the best…”
– Eric Idle


Hold on a second. Truth is I’m still having trouble not laughing every time I start to type out the words, “Donald Trump, Republican nominee for President in 2016.” A mighty howl went up to the heavens last night on the news that Donald J. Tr… hehehe… wait… ha. Wait. I apologize. Let me start over.

A mighty howl was heard across the universe as the word came across the mojo wire that the Republican Party is now saddled with a nominee that is neither a Conservative nor a recognizable Christian. The hog has turned in the tunnel and the Grand ‘Ol Party is now facing a November slaughter of Johnson/Goldwater proportions as well as the complete abandonment of the principles that they have carefully crafted since the early 70’s. Donald Trump has stripped their platform to it’s most base and ugly leaving no room for conservative values or anything resembling class. Face it, Ted Cruz was the only conservative left in the race and, well… the quarterback is toast. We’ve now entered a world where the Republican Party isn’t running a conservative and the Democratic Party isn’t running a Liberal. Let that stunning little bit of reality sink in for a minute and take a break while I pour myself another shot of tequila.

Not how I saw this going down last year when it looked like we were facing a Bush/Clinton yawn fest in 2016. Clinton is no picnic and barring anything to unnatural (Like Donald Trump… yeah I know) we will be getting a career technocrat with the same impulse control and judgement issues as my 15 year-old son. The status quo will drift on as is. The truth is I can’t begin to explain to you, dear reader, how many shits I do not have left to give. What I would like to do is provide a public service and preview the whole race for you here so that you can get on with the better things in life and avoid paying attention to this monumental shite show as it unfolds. It’s gonna go a little bit like this…

Trump is going to say some extremely mean, vicious, and thoughtless things. People will rise up all over the internet heaping scorn and derision upon his orangeness and Donald Trump will revel in their antipathy because, you know, it get’s him off. Hillary Clinton will go on the attack, but she’ll spend most of the race on the defence for dumb crap she’s done while the Trump’s campaign unloads a cornucopia of true nastiness her way. Clinton, not to be outdone, will launch salvo after blast of even uglier accusations at Trump. Most of what they sling at one another will have an element of horseshit, but the people who will follow this nonsense will not care a little bit. Election 2016 will be like the Super Bowl, a Roman Circus, a hanging, and a hog killing all rolled into one fantastically awful package. This election won’t be about reality, it will be about reality TV. These two are going to flay the skin off of each other in increasingly brutal and spectacular ways. The field will be muddy with blood and no one is going to get out unscathed.

The truth is that Trump isn’t Hitler. Trump is a savvy media operator who has been playing the Ugly American on TV. Make no mistake, Trump is a colossal turd, but he isn’t going to impose martial law, deport vast numbers of folks, or damage much but our national reputation. He’s less likely to come after any of us for our lifestyles. He has already been pretty clear about the fact that he doesn’t care who marries who or where you go to the toilet. He’s not going to curtail abortion rights, ban guns, ban cigarettes, ban public nudity, soda pop, or high fructose corn syrup. Trump’s appetites are clearly pretty large, so I just don’t see him trying to perch on any sort of “moral” high ground and try to tell any of us how we should conduct our lives. If nothing else he’s the first candidate since Bill Clinton himself who has any idea what fun really is. Say goodbye to your culture wars unless Trump sees some angle in it for himself. Who knows, we might finally get that putt-putt course on the East Lawn. He will engage in some serious verbal thuggery and appeal to the worst authoritarian impulses in the American electorate, but he won’t cut into the way most of us go about our daily lives. And before you go there, he doesn’t have a venereal disease and even if he did it is only the business of Trump, his doctor, and his sexual partners- but you’re going to hear about it.

For her part, Hillary Clinton is not some evil, manipulative harpy with the ability to control those around her and bend them to her fundamentally Marxist agenda. Clinton is a conservative, smart and capable woman with incredibly bad taste in men and a clear disdain for anyone who works for a living or that she feels she is smarter than. She isn’t a big fan of the rules if they get in her way and her number one concern in life is Hillary Clinton and her legacy. Her win won’t be signal the end of the Republic, it will only mean another day at the office. Hillary Clinton has neither committed murder nor treason. The way the nutbar trolls on the internet comment about her you’d think she was Pol Pot in a pantsuit, but that is just irrational hatred. Like Trump, her biggest public sin is bad taste and well… nobody’s perfect.

3rd shift
3rd shift

The polls are going to do weird things, the candidates are going to do weird things. Hell, I might even do weird things. What we are really looking at is less a Presidential election and more a stimulus package for American humorists. The only other people who are going to enjoy this nonsense are the kind of sad souls from both parties who like to spend their time reveling in unreasonable hatred for their fellow Americans. The rest of us will simply watch on in horror as the campaigns never address a single issue that matters beyond their two toxic personalities.

Tell y’all what. This little gray duck is probably going to sit this one out for the most part. We have enough problems in North Carolina without getting involved in this national Grand-Guignol. It’s beneath us all and is best left to the kind of people who find Duck Dynasty both entertaining and life affirming. Summer is coming and most of us have cooler things to do. We’re gonna make it through this, friends & neighbors. Americans always do.

I think I am just going to blast the Beach Boys and sit out in the sun watching my peppers grow thinking about about how lucky I am to live in my awesome home town with my seven wonderful children, a beautiful, smart woman and a bottle of decent, production tequila. Y’all feel free to ignore this silliness and join me. After all… who needs politics when you have Brian Wilson.