By Miles Bumgardner
Emotions. They are the things that make us human. They bring people together or tear them apart. Truth be told, I’ve always found them to be a tad bit annoying. Don’t get me wrong I understand they are a basic function and all, and as we grow up we must learn to properly maintain them. But aspergers tends to make things more complicated than it really is. You can bet you keister I’m not the only one who struggles with it on the spectrum.
I’ve always been extremely sensitive to everything. Even in childhood. I was the kind of kid who wanted to get along and be loved by everyone. In a sense I still am. I have this unusual desire to make people happy and be loved. That may be viewed as unhealthy to some, but hey, I’m only human. Though I will state that I’m a 100 times better than I was, say, a year or two ago. But still it is something I need to improve on and always will.
It’s like technology: sometimes even if the gizmo works you’re always wanting to upgrade it somehow to make it better.
Things like love and anger have always been a mystery to me. I’ll admit, when it come to love, I’m no Casanova. I tend to be a bit clingy and overbearing. I suppose it goes back to my insecurities and desire to be loved. Hell, even when it comes to friends and family I tend to be those things and can try people’s patience. Now I know I have no excuse for doing so, It’s all on me. But from all I’ve researched on ASD (Autism Spectrum Disorder) many of my comrades go through the same thing. Its the way we are wired. As I said though, I’m always working for improvement. Not just for friends and family, but myself mostly.
I’ve also had difficulty with anger. There have been many situations in my life that have stirred much anger in me. Social injustices, the loss of friends, my inability to properly express my opinions without others truly understanding what I’m trying to say. Oh how the list goes on! The problem is that I tend to bottle most of this stuff up until finally, BOOM, the volcano erupts. Often at the wrong times too. So I tend not to say too much in get-togethers and what not. I’m afraid of what to say to people and as a result I box myself away in a corner. Feeling evermore like an outsider and alone. Once again, nobody’s fault but mine.
All that gives me a guilt complex, which leads to always apologize whenever I feel I’ve annoyed and pissed off an individual, though 9 times out of 10 they are fine with me. Yes, aspergers is a strange thing. Like the platypus or a Picasso painting.
I’m always wanting to be the best I can be. Emotions for those with ASD is a 1000 piece puzzle only with the corners missing, making everything all the more difficult to see and figure out. But it’s not impossible! I’ve seen others, good friends, struggle and over come those obstacles. Which tells me if they can do it so can I! And if I can do it, then everybody can do it!
Ya best believ that!!